On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
