Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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