you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
