i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
