there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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