why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
