Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
