My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize