I hate all girls vehemently.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
