friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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