Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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