Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
