wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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