make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
