i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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