DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize