I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
