it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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