I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
BRING THE BAGELS
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize