I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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