I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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