Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
