So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
