I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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