did you get engaged???
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
