Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I can text with my tongue
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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