Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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