if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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