Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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