Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
