I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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