i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
