I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
