sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
now i know why i became what i already was.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
