this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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