youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
