no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
