Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
