Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
