Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
