the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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