the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
