respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
