I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
