Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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