Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
