My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
