I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
