I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
