I feel like I'm in dance class right now
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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