My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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