Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
