It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
