dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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