So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
