Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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