So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
