I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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