I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
