She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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