We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
