Welp...herpes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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