I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize