My underwear smells like fireworks.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
